i graduated with my masters in may of 2020. there wasn’t a ceremony, or a stage, or any confetti because everyone was busy fighting for their lives and sanity. everyone, including me. i’m honestly not one for celebrating myself in general – this is something i’m still working on. that said, this already being tough for me, i certainly wasn’t going to make a fuss at the height of COVID-19’s rampage. even against the encouragement of several loved ones to do something i opted to quietly sigh one deep breath of relief, then immediately brace myself for the next mountain to climb.
this has been my pattern for as long as i can remember. achieve, achieve, achieve! and it’s never mattered what i’ve accomplished, that pesky imposter syndrome is there at the ready – threatening to out me this time! it doesn’t calculate which odds i’ve beat, what obstacles i’ve overcome, how far i’ve reached – i am always battling this idea that there’s some level of success waiting on me to arrive at in order to be considered official. i mean, seriously – what the heck does that even mean?! and who determines these ridiculous standards and then moves the line once we meet them?!
of course, fairly enough, the easiest notion is to attribute my estimation to the traumas of my past. what i’m also realizing is that there is actually quite a bit of signaling that i’m currently internalizing, as well. we live in a world system that is constantly bombarding us with messaging reinforcing this idea that we can never do or be enough. i’m not even sure it’s always intentional, and while it may not be overtly – it implicitly seeps in through parenting, leadership, education, career, entertainment, and on and on and on. so what does it take to communicate to one another that wins and gains are not determined by more, more, more?
here’s the thing, i don’t apologize for being ambitious. while i’ve experienced resistance on the part of some who were simply intimidated by my tenacity, i still believe this to be a gift from God (nurtured through a great deal of struggle and strife, no less). but that’s not what i’m referring to here. i think we’re all honestly battling on some level or another this grind that is either being and/or presenting as someone acceptable and approved of. and we even project these perceived inadequacies onto one another. i can’t tell you how many times i’ve set the bar entirely too high for someone else – not because of them, but because of how obnoxiously i set expectation of myself.
okay, so here is something that’s helped me a great deal lately. i. am. in. process. in meaning, currently processing. loading. growing. evolving. put whatever prefix you want on it, just follow it with the i, the n, and the g. i am not clawing to arrive at any point of merit. no! right now, at this very moment i am valued by the highest Assessor as worth dying for!!! and even before this point, at every point in my entire existence God has felt this strongly about my appraisal. and yours!
alright, so what’s the point of this rant? (you know what, this may be even more personal than i realized.) each day i am allowing myself to be reminded that becoming is the goal. that giving my best at the time is the bar. and that reaching for my goals is not sinful, but making reaching them my idol is. what I’ve noticed is my own hyper focus on where i’m headed, and who doesn’t believe I belong there, rather than on the One who’s sending me.
i can totally relate to Moses’ fears and insecurities. but his story is a great reminder that rather than fixing my attention on what i don’t have, or who i am not, or where i haven’t arrived – i can find my confidence in knowing the I AM has anointed me. with this understanding, even where i’m going isn’t the focal point. who cares?! as long as it’s Him who’s dispatched me. and somehow the growth I experience en route lands me full circle, in pursuit of the ultimate goal – Love Himself.
i say all that to say, i am ever becoming the first Love dr. you are your own hero. Jesus is the only Savior. (confession: i am a recovering fixer.) i am an imperfect counselor. heck, i even have my own therapist! first Love dr is a mantra, an admonition, an affirmation, an aim, and a prayer. it not only serves as my brand identity, It is my destiny. i was literally created, conceived, and cultivated to be loved and to be love through this work. this moniker motivates me to love like Jesus first, always. yes, it does drive me toward my service, educational and career aspirations, but most essentially, it reminds me that God is my only source, strength, and hope.
“Allow me to reintroduce myself.” – Jay-Z
God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I AM has sent me to you.’” – Exodus 3:14 NIV
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